大家好！歡迎來到我們的性情蜜語節目！今天我們要挑戰一下大家對於性生活的看法，尤其是那些被壓力和忙碌生活壓得喘不過氣的人。你是否認為性愛應該自然而然地發生？那麼，很抱歉，你可能得重新思考了。本文提到，壓力和過勞是導致性慾低迷的主要因素，解決方法也許並不在於那些簡單的「約會之夜」或「神奇藥丸」。專家們現在主張，首先要解決壓力和過勞問題，或許安排性愛時間表也是一種可行的辦法。這些建議可能聽起來有些不自然，但如果你能為治療和其他活動騰出時間，為什麼不能為你的親密關係做同樣的安排呢？請大家繼續收看詳細內容。
The Battle of Stress and Desire: Navigating Sexual Intimacy in a Hectic World
In the bedroom, D’s mind is rarely present. Her thoughts spiral into insecurities about her body, self-doubt, and a relentless stream of stress. At 44, D—a lawyer from Vancouver—finds her career meaningful yet overwhelmingly taxing, leaving her mentally exhausted. “This very demanding job crashes into my psychological makeup, which is that of someone who is high achieving because they’re quite insecure. Stress has become controlling of my life,” she confides. The Globe and Mail agreed to keep her identity anonymous to allow her to speak freely.
Despite feeling close to her husband emotionally, sexually, things are “worse and worse.” D fears it would devastate him to know that her libido is “shot.” So, she masks her true feelings during intimacy, her mind elsewhere. “If I’m having sex with my partner, I’m not thinking about having sex with him, really,” she admits. This scenario is all too common among couples juggling demanding careers, parenting, eldercare, and household chores.
Researchers have long linked unmanaged stress to marital strain. Studies show that those who remain fixated on their stress are less likely to pick up on sexual cues. For women, who often bear the brunt of daily demands, stress has a pronounced impact on libido, arousal, and pleasure. Emily Nagoski, a prominent American sex educator, likens the sexual response system to a car with gas and brakes. The gas represents anything that stimulates desire—date nights, spa days, exercise. The brakes, conversely, are the stressors that inhibit desire, such as work stress and burnout.
Dr. Nagoski, who has worked at the Kinsey Institute and authored books on desire and arousal, argues that not enough attention is paid to the brakes. According to a 2018 survey of 2,400 Canadians by the University of Guelph, nearly 40 percent of women and a third of men aged 40 to 59 reported that their sexual desire was lower than they’d like. Stress is a significant factor, with psychologist Lori Brotto noting that chronic stress is a common issue among her patients, regardless of their specific sexual concerns. “Chronic stress is part of the picture,” says Dr. Brotto, who holds the Canada Research Chair in Women’s Sexual Health.
Dr. Brotto’s patients often view sex as an afterthought, overshadowed by the more immediate demands of life. For many women, the stress of juggling work, childcare, and eldercare weighs heavily, while men often feel the strain of financial and career pressures. This preoccupation with daily stressors can lead to sex being deprioritized, resulting in a sexless marriage and heightened tension between partners. “What happens for a lot of people is this compounds over time. Sex keeps getting de-prioritized and not being discussed,” Dr. Brotto explains.
In a pioneering treatment study between 2015 and 2018, Dr. Brotto and her team explored the connection between stress and sexual desire in 148 women aged 19 to 70 who reported low or absent sexual desire. The study found that mindfulness-based cognitive therapy and sex education helped tone down stress, with positive downstream effects on the women’s intimate lives. The research, published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, revealed that managing stress significantly improved sexual desire. “A good part of the improvement in desire is because we helped people learn how to manage their stress,” Dr. Brotto says.
D participated in the study and found common ground with other women who felt overwhelmed by the demands of life. “We were all different. But a consistent theme was the demands of life on us as women,” D recalls. The sessions didn’t fully resolve her issues, but they helped her understand that she struggles to be present during sex. “The revelation was that I’m not present. Ever,” she says.
Chronic stress elevates cortisol levels, the stress hormone, which can suppress sex hormones like testosterone and estrogen, making it difficult to focus on sexual cues or enjoy pleasurable sensations. Dr. Lisa Dawn Hamilton, an associate professor in psychology at Mount Allison University, is studying these links in real-life settings. Her current research involves collecting saliva samples from participants who report their daily stressors, sexual desire, and experiences. “We’re measuring hormones for testosterone, cortisol, estradiol, and sympathetic nervous system markers, trying to figure out what are the links to stress and sex—in beneficial or harmful ways,” Dr. Hamilton explains.
Interestingly, certain positive stressors, like exercise and sex, can serve as sexual cues. “It’s been shown that exercise, if you go for a run or ride a bike, you’re more likely to get more aroused,” Dr. Hamilton notes. Masturbation and sex are also positive stressors, releasing muscle tension and promoting mindfulness. “Orgasms help release muscle tension. They’re like an ultimate form of mindfulness,” she adds.
However, enjoyable sex is crucial. “No amount of meditation or exercise or whatever is going to make you look forward to sex if the sex is not enjoyable to begin with,” Dr. Hamilton warns. The book “Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers” by Peggy Kleinplatz and Dana Ménard emphasizes the importance of being intentional about sex, setting aside time to prepare the mind, body, and space. Desire, they argue, is not spontaneous but responsive to stimuli and environment.
Certified sex therapist Laurie Mintz advocates for scheduling sex on a calendar, despite initial reluctance from her clients. “Sex isn’t ‘just happening,’ which is why they’re in my office,” she tells them. “Find the time and schedule it,” she advises, emphasizing the importance of setting aside time for intimacy. “For the low desire woman, it’s such a relief because she knows when it’s going to happen and she’s going to carve out time for it,” Dr. Mintz says.
Yet, self-care fixes for burnout can feel unrealistic when time is scarce. “You have women who are stressed, overloaded, overwhelmed. Many of the behavioural changes that we know work for stress take time: meditation, yoga, and so on. It’s a dance to talk to people about, ‘To get your stress better, you’re going to need to carve out time,’” Dr. Mintz acknowledges. Stress affects everyone, whether they are happy in their marriage or not. “Stress is stress. It’s going to impact you whether you’re happy in your marriage or unhappy,” she says.
The issue often arises in long-term relationships, where life milestones like mortgages, kids, and eldercare add to the stress. “It’s not about the age of the relationship. It’s about these life milestones that typically occur later into relationships,” Dr. Mintz explains. LGBTQ clients also face additional stressors related to discrimination, further impacting their sexual desire.
Anna Hushlak and Billie Quinlan, co-founders of Ferly, a digital sexual well-being app for women, emphasize the importance of addressing the brakes on desire. “We tend to focus so much on the gas—find new sex toys, try new positions. That might create more sexual stimuli but it does nothing to take the foot off the brakes,” Ms. Hushlak explains. Ferly’s app offers programs to help women manage stress, cultivate a mind-body connection, and understand their turn-ons and turn-offs.
Ultimately, desire requires care and prioritizing. “There’s no magic pill,” Ms. Hushlak says. Changing the language around desire is crucial. “A lot of people think something’s wrong with them, that they’re not normal or they’re broken,” she says. “It’s pretty normal to not want sex that we either don’t like, or that we don’t have capacity for because we’re busy, stressed, burnt out.”
The COVID-19 pandemic brought a radical change to D’s life, with her demanding work hours put on hold. “Life became very simple. There wasn’t a lot of demand on me. It came at a time when I was desperate for that pause,” D recalls. With life slowing down, her sex life with her husband improved. This experience led her to realize that the problem wasn’t within her but stemmed from external stressors. “It could take away some of the blame or guilt if we recognize that society and circumstances created this situation,” D says.
In the end, managing stress and prioritizing desire are essential for a fulfilling intimate life. Couples must recognize that stress is a significant barrier to sexual intimacy and take proactive steps to manage it. Whether through therapy, mindfulness, or simply setting aside time for intimacy, addressing stress can help rekindle desire and improve relationships.
歡迎大家進入六度探索的辯論環節！我們從正反兩個角度，對本節目進行辯論，請出我們的辯論高手楚天舒、謝琪琪！
我是楚天舒。
我是謝琪琪。
各位評審、謝琪琪，大家好！首先，我必須強烈支持這篇文章的觀點：透過時間安排來改善性生活，尤其對於壓力過大的人士來說，是非常必要且有效的。要知道，生活中的壓力無處不在，尤其是像D這樣的職業女性，長時間的工作和高壓環境使得她們的心理和生理狀態都處於不穩定的狀態。根據2018年由Guelph大學研究人員進行的一項調查顯示，40歲至59歲的女性中，近40%的人性慾低於自己期望值，這不正說明了壓力對性慾的巨大影響嗎？
各位好，楚天舒，我必須說你這個想法太過理想化了。你以為安排時間表就能讓D這樣的職業女性突然變成性欲高漲的女神嗎？拜託，她們每天忙得連喘氣的時間都沒有，哪還有心思在床上花時間？不如直接開一瓶紅酒，來點Netflix，這樣放鬆效果更好。而且，根據一項來自英國的研究，超過三分之一的女性對性不感興趣，這可是非常普遍的現象，你讓她們強迫自己去安排時間，反而可能適得其反，增加心理壓力和抵觸情緒。
謝琪琪，我知道你說的紅酒和Netflix很吸引人，但這些只是一時的放鬆手段，並不能解決根本問題。正如Dr. Emily Nagoski所言，我們的性反應系統就像一輛有油門和剎車的車。壓力、工作和其他生活負擔就是剎車，這些剎車不解除，你即使喝再多的紅酒，看再多的Netflix，也無法真正恢復性欲。這就是為什麼專家們建議通過安排時間進行放鬆和親密活動，這樣才能真正減少壓力，恢復性欲。
楚天舒，你們這些專家老是說什麼理論，實際上誰會去照做？就像Certified sex therapist Laurie Mintz說的，當她建議夫妻安排時間表來進行親密活動時，很多人都會覺得這樣做太尷尬、太不自然了。你想像一下，一對夫妻在忙碌了一天之后，還得看著日曆說，“哦，親愛的，今晚8點我們有約會”。這實在太荒謬了！人們需要的是真正的自發性和自然的親密，而不是像完成工作任務一樣安排時間表來做愛。
謝琪琪，我同意自發性和自然的親密非常重要，但現實是，我們的生活太忙碌了，以至於沒有時間享受這些自發的時刻。這正是為什麼安排時間表是必要的，就像我們會安排時間去健身、看醫生或參加社交活動一樣。根據Lori Brotto的研究，通過正念和性教育來管理壓力，對於那些性欲低下的女性有顯著的效果。這些正念練習不僅能降低壓力，還能幫助她們更好地集中注意力，享受親密時光。
楚天舒，看來你是打算把做愛變成一門學問了。好吧，既然你這麼喜歡數據，那我也給你一個數據。根據最近的National Study of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles研究顯示，四分之一的夫妻在長期關係中抱怨性慾不平衡，特別是女性中有12%表示她們的性生活完全沒有享受。這說明什麼？說明問題不是出在時間安排，而是出在性生活本身的質量。如果性質本身不佳，再多的安排也無濟於事。與其費心安排時間，不如先提高性生活的質量，這才是關鍵！
謝謝大家收看六度探索！這是一個由科學家、經濟學家、媒體人、工程技術人員合作建立的新型媒體，網友與六度Ai參與、合作完成各種內容，這些內容不能作為任何決策或法律的意見。這是一個新型的試驗性媒體方式，我們希望得到大家的支持，修正錯誤。網友可以參與討論，也可以向萬能的六博士提出你能想出的任何問題，六度世界網址是6do.world！請介紹給你的親朋好友！